Darkest Days
by ForsakenKalika
Summary: She's unpleasant to be around, cruel to those who love her most, but even temperamental preistesses have a backstory. Hino Rei albumfic. Constantly updating, rewriting. I do not own Sailormoon or the songs featured in this story.
1. Darkest Days

"There are times when I'm just a shell,  
when I do not feel anything for anyone.  
All I feel is hollow and bruised,  
used up and misused,  
forced to be someone I don't want to be.  
Have I failed somehow or someway?  
Will the weight of today  
suddenly pull me down to drown,  
in the depths of despair,  
where I am alone except for my rage?  
My rage, my pain, I hate my darkest days.  
My darkest days...  
Everything I touch, I break."

* * *

Bright lights flashed around her. She was vaguely aware that something was wrong. She gazed up into the eyes of her husband, and he met her stare, smiling. That smile never reached his eyes.

"The baby?" She asked, weak from the pain and medications.

Her husband shook his head. "The baby's fine. It's you, honey. Something's... not... right." How could he put this, so as not to alarm her? "You've been losing alot... no that's not... when you pushed the last time...damnit. You're bleeding. Inside."

She nodded and held her hand out to her husband. "I feel it. I know it's going to happen. I'm not afraid."

He took her hand then, grasped it tight, squeezed all his energy into it, hoping to pass some onto her. Nothing worked. She was paling by the minute.

Around him, doctors worked feverishly.

He was tapped on the shoulder. "Sir, we have to take your wife to surgery, now. They've readied the room for the transfusion." He felt even more failure. He wasn't able to help her more than offer her emotional support.

"Can I- I mean, is there any way-?"

The doctor nodded his head and gestured toward the door, nurses and interns already taking her out on the gurney. "We have scrubs and a mask all ready for you."

* * *

Four hours later, he bowed his head against the glass outside the nursery.

Nothing. There was nothing. She had given all she had to bring this little life into the world, and she had nothing left to give. She had died on the operating table after hemmorhaging from the blood transfusion.

He remembered the peaceful look on her face. The way she held his hand right until the end. Had he only known this would happen, he would've-

What would he have done? What COULD he have done?

He called his assistant. Prepared for the services. She would have two. A Christian service, and a Shinto service. He would honor her heritage, while also celebrating the fleeting time she had spent in his life.

Preparations were complete in no time. The press would hear about her death, there would be a feeding frenzy. He had to take the baby somewhere safe, away from the attention and bright lights.

Confusion marred his handsome face. How was he supposed to take care of the baby? He knew nothing of this! This was HER thing. He was the business end of the relationship, she was the heart and soul.

She was maternal, giving and kind. He was a patriarch, all work and no fun.

He called his assistant again and demanded he hire a nanny. Someone to watch over the baby, like a mother and a friend. Someone with references, education. Someone who could have fun, but abide the rules.

As he hung up a second time, he eyed the child behind the glass, and her words came back to him.

* * *

_"We'll name her Rei," she said, smiling brightly. "Hino Rei."_

_He grimaced. 'Spirit of Fire?' "Why would you want to name her Rei? That's just setting her up to be bad-tempered." He'd never truly liked her flights of fancy, but rather loved the whimsical look she'd get on her face. He could never understand why things like cloud-shapes and fairy tales entranced her._

_They weren't tangible. _

_"Oh stop," she laughed. "Rei is a great name. She'll be spirited and smart. Maybe she'll have a mind for business," she entreated._

_He grumbled away, but he knew she had gotten her way again._

* * *

"Rei..." he murmered as his hand pressed against the glass. A part of him, albeit small, hated this infant. She had taken the only thing he loved from him, and replaced it with cold resentment and emptiness.

"Have you decided on a name for her yet?" A nurse came out of the nursery, and smiled gently, knowing he had gone through hell tonight.

"Rei," he said simply, devoid of emotion. He gazed again at the child, and her mouth opened in a yawn.

"A fine name, Hino-sama." He grunted in reply and walked to the cafeteria. He needed coffee, very strong coffee.

Doubt clouded his mind. Could he do this? This child had taken his love from him, shut her out like it was more important. He thought back to the joy he felt when Rei was delivered. A proud father holding his baby girl. She released a spirited wail, and he knew then, she deserved the name.

It was then that he noticed his wife.

He sighed, resigned to his fate.

* * *

Over the years, he became a workaholic, burying himself in paperwork, so as to hide from the expectant eyes of a daughter who looked so much like her mother.

Every so often, he'd glance at her and a smile would almost come to him. Almost.

She knew what happened to her mother, at least. She had asked one day, curious as to why all her other friends had mommies and daddies, and she was one less parent.

He told her all the details, not sparing her child-ears, not even caring, because she had to know she ruined his life.

And now, here she was, waiting for him to give her acknowledgement. He just turned his back.

* * *

_Oh MiMi!! Guess who revised chapter one cause it suuuuuuuuuuuucked?! I think this is muuuuuuch better. Hope you enjoy all three new chapters._


	2. Everything I Touch

"The more I feel  
The more I die  
Nothing to give  
Nothing inside  
Everything I touch I break  
I scratch and tear  
Until it bleeds  
I do not want  
I only need  
Everything I touch I break  
I want to break you  
Everything I touch I break  
And I'll break you down"

* * *

"Daddy?" I questioned. I had always wondered if my father would actually show up for dinner. I waited for his reply with my breath held deep in my little lungs. He never turned, never looked at me, only continued with his work. "Daddy?"

I asked again, more insistant.

He started and instinctively slumped his shoulders against the weight of my need; his personal burden. "Not tonight, Rei-chan. I've work to do. Now get ready to go home, you've got to pack tonight for your grandfather's."

I had to pack? I had to pack. My belongings were all packed up already, so there was nothing left to do. He was shrugging me off. My mother shrugged me off onto him, and now he was shrugging me off onto my grandfather. I couldn't wait to see who I got pawned off on next.

Rather than argue, I assumed an air of submissiveness, and replied, "Yes, father." His shoulders slumped even more. I couldn't honestly say why.

So I readied my schoolbooks and coat, and went to the elevators outside my father's office. He was currently running for some political office or another.

I can say I really cared.

I descended, and met the chauffeur outside, who promptly opened the door for me. Once inside, I allowed a tear, then sniffled it away as the man sat in the driver's seat. He gazed sadly at me for a moment in the rearview, shook his head, and started the car. We made our way to my father's estate in silence.

* * *

"Grandfather!" I cried as I ran up the remaining stairs to the shrine. I hadn't seen my grandpa in a couple years now, and my father wouldn't give me a reason. Grandpa hugged me and ushered me inside, where he sent me to the kitchen with his apprentice to eat. He closed the door partway and met my father at the entrance of the shrine. I peeked through the partially open doorway to listen.

"So you can no longer bear the pain of knowing you killed my daughter," my grandfather started. "So you take your child, your only living memory, and push her so far away. Do you not see her pain?"

My father rubbed his hand through his hair in agitation and looked at the floor in chagrin. "I would really appreciate it if-"

"I'm sure you would. Your ego can't take it anymore. Your politics won't allow a single father. Forget your daughter, she never existed. You wouldn't allow it. I'll see to her needs now."

Rather than argue, my father nodded in defeat and gave my grandfather information. "She'll be attending catholic school during the day, only due to the course load. They'll challenge her. I'll send money every month, and pay the tuition of course. If there's any other necessities that arise-"

"There won't be. Your role has been sufficient. Now leave." I had never seen my grandfather be so defensive. Of me, no less. My father wouldn't put up a fight on sacred ground, even if he didn't practice the religion. So he just left. No 'Goodbye Rei-chan, be good.' He just left.

I watched my grandfather's back heave in a sigh before he began to turn.

I ducked back into the kitchen and began to nosh my snack. Grandfather entered with a fake smile plastered on his face.

This was the second time in my life I had broken a life with my little inexperienced fingers. I could never atone for this.

* * *

_Oooooooh yeah, this one's short. I pretty much just formatted this into rtf. It was txt. The story gets more interesting. These first two chapters are for you, dear reader, to see what an asshole her father is._


	3. How Can I Hold On?

"Back when you were my life  
You gave me something that I could live for  
Now everything's changed  
And you're gone  
But I'm still here waiting  
How can I hold on  
With nothing to hold on to?  
Why should I hold on  
When there's nothing to hold on to?  
Sex made me feel alive  
But now I'm so bored with mindless passion  
Drugs were somewhere to hide  
But they've left me feeling cold and empty  
How can I hold on?  
I thought you were my friend  
That you were someone that I could turn to  
Now I realize  
That you were a friend when you needed something..."

* * *

"Grandad! I'm home!" I cried out, throwing my bookbag on the couch in the living area. It had been seven years since my father had shrugged off his paternal duties on my grandfather. I was fourteen now; old enough to know that I was a burden, young enough to think I could help it.

"I'm in here, Rei!" My grandfather called back, giving me the hint that he was, as always, in the room with the sacred fire. Being a training Preistess at a shrine had its upsides. I could help in rituals, and I discovered I had a natural talent for clairvoyance.

It also had its downsides. Namely, sweeping the multitude of steps, and cleaning 'sacred' bird crap.

I walked back to where the voice erupted, and stopped in the door. My grandfather knelt in front of the fire, eyes closed. Across from him, attempting to kneel in a similar position, but failing miserably, was a brunette gentleman, eyes shaded by his hair.

"Rei-chan," my grandfather's voice cut through my drifting thoughts, and my eyes snapped to his frail form. "This," he motioned to the stranger, "is Yuuchirou. He will be training with you-"

"What crime did you commit, and how long is your probation?" I didn't waste anytime. My grandfather's head snapped up and his eyes burned at me. I shot him a look. I'm not stupid.

Yuuchirou looked up and smirked. "You're a smart one, aren't you. Hino-sama? May I take a short break, perhaps talk to your granddaughter?" My grandfather nodded and began to stand. I moved to help him, but Yuuchirou was there almost instantly. He looked at me, a wry grin on his face.

'Ohhhh, you think you're so cool. My grandfather can see through your sh-'

"Ah, Yuuchirou, thank you. Such a kind boy. Rei-chan, you could learn something from him." Granddad patted Yuuchirou's back and hobbled toward the kitchen.

I huffed, spun, and stomped to my room. Slamming the door, I whirled around and proceeded to change out of my uniform.

Believe me, I got alot of shit for being a Priestess in training, and attending a Catholic school. The nuns all gave me a pitied look, and Mother Superior always asked if I had embraced my one God. I always came back at her with some sort of cute comment. Today it had been, "Why? Are you offering discount rates for heathens who convert?"

Needless to say, I was sent home early. It hadn't gone unnoticed.

A knock sounded on my door and Yuuchirou's voice come through. "Rei-san. Your grandfather would like to speak with you before our training."

I opened the door and glared at him. "At least you know some respect. We'll talk later. I have homework." Really, I didn't. He nodded, and walked off.

He was taller than I had originally thought. At least a head and a half taller than me. I still couldn't see his eyes, though, and that worried me. I liked to be able to read people. No worries, though, I'd see through him eventually.

I turned my stereo low and opened my window. No reason to stink up the room with more incense than usual. Organizing my tools, I found a comfortable place by my bed, on the floor, and sat down.

My grandfather knew I smoked cigarettes. He figured, with what I'd already been through, cigarettes were the least of his worries. Pulling one out of my pack, I lit it.

Another knock at my door signalled me to put my makeshift toolkit under my bed momentarily. Opening it, Yuuchirou was back. "Yes?"

"Can I come in? T-to talk?" He brushed his hair out of his eyes then, I saw that he was sincere. I opened my door wider and stepped back to allow him in. As he entered, I caught a whiff of his cologne. 'Nice.' I shut and locked the door.

"Rei-san." He started, sitting by my bed, near the spot I had been not five minutes before.

"Chan." I corrected. I hated formalities. I had only noted his earlier use to be a thorn in his side. Now he was here, in my territory. No formalities. No expectations. No pretenses.

"Rei-chan. Why... why are you so hard on your grandfather?" His eyes were worried, yet unyeilding in their questioning. I walked over, head hung low, and sat in my previous spot by the bed.

I took a drag from my cigarette, long and deep, trying to assmeble my thoughts, and as I readied my answer, he plucked it from my fingers and took a drag of his own. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I'm out."

I shook my head. "My grandfather has been burdened with me since my father ditched me. I'm just trying to do my best." I sighed and took my cigarette back.

"You call getting sent home from school early your best? Try again." He stole the cigarette back and bobbed his head with the music.

"It's not my fault!" I cried, and immediately felt trapped in my own space. I reached behind me and took out my kit again.

"Wuzzat?" He asked, butt in his mouth.

"My kit. Can you keep a secret?" He nodded, and I opened it. His eyes widened and he looked at me with want and worry. I sighed and smirked. "What d'ya need? Uppers, downers...?"

He shook his head, and fingered the green baggy on top. "Ah, a man of simple tastes. 'K. But this is our secret." He nodded, and I proceeded to pack a pipe to split.

Now, I hate pot. I really do. I hate anything that makes you stupid and hungry, while simultaneously making the world hilarious. But when I have company, it's not so bad. Besides, I can almost forget who I am. Almost, but not quite.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, we were both on the floor, propped on our elbows, telling stories to eachother. Everything copacetic, not a care in the world. Eventually though, it all goes away, and you need another drug to get you back to that comfortable place where the world's quasi-fine.

Eventually was coming quick. And I had limited supplies.

"Hey, Yuuchirou-kun?" His eyes became wary at such a formality. He nodded at me to continue. "Can you give me a ride somewhere?"

* * *

_Not so short, but again, it gets the point across. Rei is one screwy beast. Oh, and thanks MiMi. You inspired me to write tonight instead of reading._


	4. Drugstore

"You seduced me lonely in your hell  
Naked, hungry I crawl into your cell  
A virtual drugstore is piled on your bed  
I can't resist with your tongue inside my head  
How can everything be justified by you?  
How can everything be justified by you?  
You get off on watching my bleed  
You get off on feeding my disease  
This time will be perfect you explain  
Your tongue is deadly as a needle through my vein  
How can everything be justified by you?  
How can my demise be justified by you?  
I'm so tired of living for your touch  
I'm so tired of needing you so much  
How can everything be justified by you?  
How can my demise be justified by you?  
When did I decide to be crucified by you?  
How can everything be justified by you?  
By you... "

* * *

The ride was uneventful as we passed through the less desirable areas of the city, through the burroughs of malnourished denizens, and finally out into the open air. Yuuchirou knew where we were going. I had simply provided the street name, and he took it from there, offering his own money for the gas, rather than having me pay. I had provided the snacks for the drive, drinks for the stay, and the entertainment for the evening.

We arrived to a humble cul-de-sac if ever there was such a thing, and stopped at a guard house. The young guard, obviously new to this job, stepped out and sauntered to the car.

"Destination?" Yuuchirou shrugged and turned to me. I leaned over him, mindful of his scent, and our closeness. 'No crushes, no crushes...' I repeated to myself. I am one for acting upon impulse, and my crushes typically turn to messy romances that end with me driving them to cheat, either from my own insecurity or infidelity.

"149-1002," I began, "Kimora residence." The guard nodded and walked back to the house to phone the residence, allowing me or disallowing me access. In a moments time, he waved us through.

"There's a small party going on there. They invited you and your guest." He eyeballed Yuuchirou, with a look that said 'you're too old for her' and continued with a cheery yet trite, "Be safe tonight!"

"So," Yuuchirou began. "Who do you know that lives all the way out here?" He had found the house number and began parallel parking the small car out front.

"My ex," I replied, as nonchalantly as that answer could be uttered. I tried to keep my voice level as I shut the door to the car and began walking to the front door. "We're on good terms now. You're lucky. He used to get violent when he saw me with other guys."

"Hn. Good thing you're too young for me, or I'd be in trouble." I peered at him out of the corner of my eyes.

"Yeah. Good thing." I managed to sound flirtatious yet unattainable as I said this, adopting a steel edge to my tembre. I refused to bely the confusion in my head. 'Really? Who says that? That's just... ugh! "Good thing you're too young"? How stupid! I'm not too young. He's like, what? 19? 5 years, PSH!'

A voice made me stop in my tracks. "Rei-chan! Back here!" Yuuchirou had noticed and looked at me curiously.

"He's always been able to do that, actually." I said, trying to keep it light. So Yoji was at the pool. I already had an idea what kind of party this was. I proceeded to remove my sweatshirt, leaving me in a simple short sleeve button up and a bra.

"What? Stop you in your tracks with one word?" Yuuchirou was openly watching me prepare. I unbuttoned my button up, and tied it at my waist. I motioned for him to loosen up his attire. He did.

"Yeah," I said, pulling the side gate open. "That's how we began dating." Putting my hair up, I turned and started walking backward to look him in the eye. "He stopped me in my tracks by saying I was gorgeous and he'd make me the luckiest girl in the world. I was 12."

Turning around, I came face to face with Yoji, and fell backward. "Talking about me, Rei-chan?" He grinned and extended a hand. I took it and brushed myself off.

"Yeah, just relating to Yuuchirou how we met." They nodded heads at one another as two men are wont to do. "Anything to drink?"

Yoji pulled a beer from his pants pocket, and untwisted the cap. "Thought you'd be thirsty. Yuuchirou-kun?" Yuuchirou nodded his head and Yoji turned, motioning us to follow him.

We walked to the back of the house and met up with five or six other people, all either drunk, high, or horny. Some all three. Kinda sad really, but this used to be my crowd. Yoji and I had had a difficult relationship, and the drugs hadn't made it better. He'd throw parties, get drunk, screw some other girls, and as revenge, I'd screw one of his friends.

"Seat?" He offered. I was glad we were okay now, he truly proved to be one of my best friends. He had seen me, nearly eight months back, dating a skeeze from the other side of town. Knowing this guy personally, he took it upon himself to ensure that at least SOME of my integrity remained intact, and beat the crap out of him. He got the police involved and mentioned that he had seen the guy with a fourteen year old girl. Needless to say, the guy was wanted on statutory charges from years prior.

"Thanks Yoji-kun." We sat, and I formally introduced Yuuchirou. I let Yoji know he was helping around the temple, and nearly shot my beer out of my nose when Yoji came back with, "So what was your crime and how long is your probation?"

Yuuchirou looked back and forth between us for a moment, mouth opening and closing.

"So, I'm guessing you have something you need, Rei-chan?" Yoji began, allowing Yuuchirou a chance to get his own beer and get comfortable.

"Yeah. Yoji, what can you do for me?" I reached in my pocket and fished out one hundred and four dollars.

He let out a low whistle and shook his head. "Come inside." One of the girls at the pool yelled something rude and slurred to him, and he shot her the finger and told her to do it herself. She pouted, and slid back into the pool.

"Good to see Ayami-chan is still-"

"A bitch? Yeah." We made our way to the comfort of his rec room, and settled into the beanbags. Yuuchirou eyeballed me and raised a brow, as if to say, 'beanbags?'

I smirked back and shook my head. "Ceremonial." Yoji turned and began to rifle through drawers. At my answer he looked at Yuuchirou.

"Beanbag chairs are the most comfortable of furniture, and they're inexpensive. Great for the most discerning entrepreneur." With that, he pulled various pills and plants, powders and liquids out, allowing me to pick and choose my methods.

I'd point, he'd answer. Liquid acid, "For you? One gram." Mushrooms, "For you? An eighth." Pot, "For you? A Half." Cocaine, "For you? An eightball."

Needless to say, I was Yoji's little princess. He knew not to give me enough to kill me, but enough to keep me coming back. The fact that he was affordable made it that much better. He knew I wasn't a drug addict, but I wanted to be social. I liked having friends, even if it meant spending alot of money on something I really didn't like.

Yuuchirou's eyes got wider with each thing I pointed at. Our bill, in his mind, added up to at least three hundred dollars, and he knew I was getting a steal. At the end, Yoji wrapped up all our purchases in a bag of ground coffee, and rolled that up in my sweatshirt, which I carried.

"You guys gonna stay?" I looked at Yuuchirou. 'It's up to you, guy,' I projected with my eyes. He shook his head and stuck his hand out to Yoji. Yoji took it and grinned. "Rei-chan, go ahead out and grab a couple for the road." I knew he was going to talk to Yuuchirou for me. The old 'if you hurt her' speech. Yoji was like my big brother now. Thank Gods for family.

"Yuuchirou-kun..." I heard Yoji start. I walked up the basement stairs and toward the back of the house. I could imagine the conversation. The old 'you hurt her you die' bit.

I grabbed a couple cold ones and hugged a few of the old crew. Ayami wrapped her arms around my shoulders and held on for dear life. She had lost weight, and this made me sad. "Oh, Rei-chan. Nothing's the same without you. I love you. I hope you miss me like I miss you. Remember that time..." After that, my mind drifted away, to a recessed corner where I could take in her bony form. What she was doing to herself, I didn't know.

Yuuchirou exited the house a moment later, with Yoji following behind them, both solemn. Finally, Yuuchirou turned and shook Yoji's hand, muttering something and smiling. Oh great. Now I am a piece of ass for the offering.

Yuuchirou had to know that Yoji was nineteen as well. I shook Ayami off me and kissed her cheek kindly. "I miss you too, Ayami. Hunny, kick the habit though, I hate seeing you so frail. Come see me at the temple if you need to, okay?" She nodded gratefully and slipped back into the pool.

Walking over to the boys, I overheard Yuuchirou saying, "I wondered where I knew you from. So how's that class now?" I interrupted their conversation with a hearty, "Great! My exboyfriend and my new housemate know eachother! This makes Sunday dinner easier to plan."

Yoji smirked and looked at me. "Alright Rei-chan. I know you're cranky. Go home and do what other highschool girls are doing on a school night."

I immediately replied with, "I already did my homework... OH! Dumbass."

He grinned again and looked at Yuuchirou. "Yuuchirou, man, keep an eye on this one, and stop by sometime. You're more than welcome." Raising an eyebrow in a serious manner, I eyed the two of them and walked to the car.

Yuuchirou caught up a moment later, "I didn't know Kimora Yoji was YOUR exboyfriend."

"Hard to believe? Yeah, most think so. He's not my exboyfriend. He's my best friend. The ex part was two years ago." Yuuchirou nodded and started the car.

He turned to me before putting it into gear. "What now, Kemosabe?"

"What do YOU think, jackass?" I smiled and shoved his arm playfully. "Home, music, fun." I turned to the window and he fiddled with the radio. Leaning my head against the cool glass, I watched the lights of the city slowly turn on and the sky dim into night.

Maybe tonight I would forget all about who I was. I allowed my eyes to close, and the sunset to take me beyond this corporeal realm.

* * *

_Next installment, in case you're wondering, is going to be called "You Complete Me". For information on where this fic could possibly be going, google search "Bands: Stabbing Westward". This is from their album Darkest Days._

_Thanks for the support! MiMi, I hope you find this length satisfactory. I'm still getting my momentum with this. I will more than likely edit and revise the crap out of this when I'm done, but for now, I want to get the basics up. I think I'm doing okay, having put up two chapters in two days. I write for about an hour after I get home from work, so for right now, this is it._

_I am working on a Naruto oneshot series as well, so updates may vary. Don't get used to once a day from me._

_Luvs! Kalika_


	5. You Complete Me

"I am lost in the darkness  
Between two worlds and here I'm struggling  
You're the light that I've been seeking  
'Cause my whole life there's been something missing  
Only you  
Can make me whole  
Just one touch  
And you complete me  
Rescue me from this black hole  
That sucked me in and left my dying  
You're the truth that I've been seeking  
'Cause my whole life I've been lying  
Only you  
Can make me whole  
Just one touch  
And you complete me  
God I pray you find me worthy  
Of the right to stand beside you  
And of your truth and of your passion  
Of the right to sleep beside you  
Only you  
Can make me whole  
Just one touch  
And you complete me"

* * *

"Rei-chan?" I awoke to a gentle shake. Groggy, I turned and my own fuschia eyes met a deep brown. "Rei-chan? Are you awake?" I rubbed my eyes and turned my attention to my surroundings. Sakura trees, budding. Starry night, still in its onset from the bright day. Crickets. Moisture on the glass where my breath had belied my sleep-state.

"Hmm? Yeah." I rubbed my eyes again and picked my sweatshirt up from the floor of the passenger seat. "We home?" I turned to Yuuchirou again to see him smirk and nod slightly. 'When did he become cute?' I thought. 'When did I start thinking these things?' I sighed a bit, trying to exorcise the sleep from my system, like it was a demon trying to pull me into the depths of my own inconvenient desire for attention.

"Your granddad left a voicemail on my phone to say he was at a district meeting. Something about vandalism of religious icons. All the area churches and shrines are meeting, I guess." He pulled his keys from the ignition and grabbed the bag of snacks that had lain forgotten in the backseat, taking care to place the booze in there that Yoji had given me.

Stepping out and walking around the car, he opened the door for me, extending his hand to aid my exit. I hesitated, wondering if I should allow my small hands to touch his large ones. I was being overly sensitive to the fact that there was a man showing me kindness. I had to watch myself around him, careful not to show weakness, or interest.

Lightly taking his hand, so to avoid gripping it wholly and giving away my emotional instability, I stepped one foot out, then the other. As I began to stand, my head reeled and I stumbled forward. "Wow. I'm as graceful as Usa-chan," I muttered to myself. My cheeks blazed as he caught me. I glanced up to mutter my thanks, and caught his eye again. My breath caught. I looked away.

Roughly, I shoved myself from his grasp and took a few steps toward the back door. Spots appeared in my vision again, and I had to sit on the stairs to the back porch. Yuuchirou looked at me, hearing me gasp and sit. Seeing me holding my head in my hands, doubled slightly, he quickly shut the passenger door and rushed to me.

"Rei-chan?" Worry creased his brow, or what would have been his brow, if not for the mop of hair covering his face. His hand met my shoulder and I jumped. He squatted down in front of me and pushed his hair from his face. "Rei-chan, have you eaten ANYTHING today?"

I raised my face, only allowing my eyes to course to the side of his neck, where a small tattoo of kanji appeared. Unable to stop myself, I reached out and touched it. His eyes widened. I looked him in the eyes then and took care assembling my next sentence.

"Crow? Why crow?" Personally, I loved my two crows, but they were kind of a hassle to take care of. I wondered in a small part of my brain if he had seen them yet. He looked down, breaking my gaze, and then looked up again.

"That story is for another time." I nodded, not exactly satisfied with the answer. I didn't like being put on the backburner. I began to stand again, and instantly, he was by my side on the steps, helping me, holding me against him.

The most sensitive parts of me sizzled with the closeness and his scent. He had no clue what he was doing. His innocent movements, his concern for me. It was all awakening a part of me I had hidden away long ago. Under all the layers of physical desire, there was an emotional sub-self that wanted him to like me. To need me.

Once up the steps, I gently pushed away from him, aware that sharp movements would alarm him, and possibly hurt him. I didn't want to drive him away. I wanted him to want me.

I opened the back door, leaning heavily on the jamb, and entered the minutely lit kitchen. A light over the stove displayed a wrapped dinner. He had not left long ago, it still smelled of meat curry, probably pork, and slightly sugared rice.

My stomach clenched at the smell of food, and I stumbled again, into a stool. "Rei-chan, go to your room, pick out a movie, I'll make you a plate. You are eating, damnit." Yuuchirou could be commanding when he wanted to. Normally, I would raise my chin in defiance and argue, as no one spoke to me like a child. I was not feeling normal now.

I nodded and slowly made my way to my room. Placing my contraband filled sweatshirt on the bed, I decided to forgo the movie and instead turned on music. Deciding to get more comfortable, I took off my pants and put pajama pants on. A knock on the side of the door made me decide against changing my shirt.

Yuuchirou entered, holding a plate out to me, having one for himself. "Eat now, or eat later?" He asked, intending on letting me control the festivities. I didn't answer, and instead picked up my sticks. Eating slowly, we devoured our plates in silence, me lost in my own thoughts, him bobbing his head with the music. He was allowing me time to feel better and clear my head a little.

He silently took our plates and I faintly heard water running in the kitchen as he washed them. Taking this time, I changed my shirt to a black wifebeater, something to allow me to breathe better. The heat was stifling. I wandered to my window, opening it again, and stood there as the breeze caressed me.

"Wanna see some drawings?" Came his deep tenor behind me. I jumped a bit and spun, leaning against the window sill. He smiled weakly and I relaxed. I nodded and he pulled a sketchbook from behind his back. We sat on the floor and I began to dig through my sweatshirt, placing items one by one in their containers in my kit.

Every so often, he would look at me and smile impishly, like a child showing an adult his masterpiece. I smiled back and pointed out things I liked, while also critiquing the works. He really was quite talented. Landscapes looked alive, portraits looked ready to smile or cry.

He had brought the snack bag in, and I reached on my bed to grab a beer. "You want?" I asked, to which he nodded and motioned as to whether I wanted to smoke too. I nodded and he continued showing me his sketches, as I cut and rerolled a cigar for us to split. I showed him and he smiled, eyes lit up.

I realized, I liked it when he smiled.

He put his sketchbook to the side, and sipped his beer. He watched me surreptitiously from the corner of his I as I lit and subsequently smoked the blunt I had rolled. I passed it to him and he murmered his thanks before smoking it himself. As he did so, I rose and turned the radio to the cd player, allowing it to cycle through my cds.

"Vandalism," he said when I had returned. I eyed him questioningly. "I was arrested for vandalism against a professor and opted for community service rather than jail time." He hid his face, either in embarassment of the pettiness of his crime, or so I couldn't see the shame that he had committed such an act in the first place. I already knew he was mild-mannered.

Realization set in as to why he brought it up. "This isn't so much community service, as a vacation, though." He smirked and glanced at my face, hoping to see... something.

"It was the stupidest thing, though." I smiled and took the offered cigar. "So," he continued, "What's your story?"

"What do you mean?" I asked a bit too defensively. I handed it back and blew out my own smoke.

"I mean," pause, inhale, "You live with your grandfather at a temple. Cool. You attend a CATHOLIC school? Confused. You have a short temper. Even more confused. You're kinda... defensive. Have no idea why." He ticked these things off on his fingers, adding his reactions to each of them as though it were commonplace to speak outright about someone's weaknesses.

I reddened, and moved to take the cigar. He shook his head, and held it out of my reach, smiling devilishly. Oh, he was took attractive like that. Sighing, I nodded. "I... my... my father is a politician. He left me here in my grandfather's care, because the campaign trail has no room for single fathers." Yuuchirou opened his mouth to say something, probably to ask where my mother was, and then closed it, seeing my face redden under the veil of my hair.

Head down, I continued. "That's also why I go to a Catholic school. I don't want to. I've been trying to get kicked out so I can join my friends at a district school, but my father ensured my education. He pays good money for me to attend, and they don't want to let that opportunity to slip by. It's ironic, really, a money hungry school of God?" Tears started to well up, and his hand found its way to my shoulder.

"You don't have to continue Rei-chan. I'm sorry I asked. I sort of have a tact deficiency." I nodded and silently thanked him. "No, I'm serious! Doctors can't figure it out, and sometimes things just tumble out of my mouth like verbal diahrrea! They have been working since I was a kid, but there's no vitamin supplement or cure for a tact deficiency, so they just sort of hope I grow out of it." I giggled as he babbled. I knew he as trying to break the tension, and I couldn't help but laugh as he continued to poke fun at himself.

Seeing my opportunity, I laid my hand on his chest for support, and leaned heavily over him to reach to forgotten blunt. I heard him gasp a bit, and looked at him... then our position. Good lord, I was nearly straddling him! He eyes me darkly, then broke the gaze and looked toward the floor, where my hand rested near his as I reached the cigar.

He moved his hand and placed it in his lips, lit side in my mouth. Around it, he murmured, "Shotgun?" I nodded and began moved back to my original position on the floor, beside him. He caught my hip with his hand, to move me to the floor in front of him for ease in our new venture. We were going to lose ourselves in this drug, in an attempt to forget any attraction. I knew this was a distraction for him as well, now. He felt it too.

I gasped as his left arm came around my back, and his hand at my hip. He used his other hand to take the cigar out of his mouth, and place it in the ashtray by my bed. He folded his legs from their straight position, to sit cross-legged. Finally moving me in front of him, he moved me across his lap and onto the floor, bracing me so I didn't fall backward as his arm moved, holding my other hand for additional support, and maybe more.

I grabbed a hairtie from the night table nearby and put my hair up. He smirked, "May I borrow one?" I grinned and nodded. I'd finally get to see his whole face.

Roughly brushing his hands through his hair, he wrapped the tie once, twice, three times around the tail he'd created at the base of his neck. Raising his head again, my heart nearly stopped. I smiled encouragingly, and nodded. He looked damn good. His brown eyes were not the only handsome feature on his face. Strong jaw, with a bit of stubble toward the chin. Soft lips, smile lines from his easy grins. Slight bump in his nose where it had probably been broken when he was a child. Defined yet furry brows, not bushy, but obviously not plucked. Not gorgeous, as is usually reserved for pseudogoth pop bands and models, but handsome, rugged.

He playfully grabbed the blunt and placed it between his teeth, closing his lips around them. They weren't bright white, but he obviously cared for his teeth.

He motioned for me to lean closer and my heart thumped the entire way. I placed my hands around my mouth and inhaled as he exhaled smoke at me. Bright lights filled my vision and I went deaf temporarily as I coughed. He patted my back and handed me my beer. "Hey champ, drink something." His hand on my back was not helping matters.

I regained composure slightly, only releasing small coughs here and there, and he smiled warmly. I grinned back and gave him a thumbs up. Placing the blunt between my own teeth, I saw his eyes draw to my mouth. They widened and went back to normal, darkening again.

Leaning forward, I met his eyes. He gazed at me, teasingly, and I know confusion played across my face. He inhaled, looking at me driectly in the eye, almost challenging me, and his eyes closed as he tilted his head back to exhale a moment later.

"You almost had me there," he stated, dropping his head to look at me again. I know I most have gaped at him then, confused by what he meant. Were we playing a game? Was I winning or losing? A million insecure thoughts went through my mind, and all I knew was that I desperately wanted him to accept me.

Suddenly, he spoke again, jarring me from my thoughts. "Rei?" I blushed as he notedly familiarized himself with me. As though we were... 'Something more,' my mind answered. My thoughts turned serious, and I blushed at the idea of wanting to hear my name escape his lips in a more compromising situation.

He tilted his head to look at me then, curious as to the thoughts that were going through my head. "How old are you?" I snapped my head up. What a random question. I thought he knew. I thought that's why he was surprised that I had dated Yoji.

"14," I replied, in a small voice. "But," I continued, regaining a bit of composure, "I'll be 15 next week."

"Hmm," he said. "I'll be 19 myself in a couple months." His mind was working, for some reason. What was he thinking about. "Cool," he began, "So... what do you want for your birthday?"

'You,' my mind and heart answered in unison. "I dunno," my voice came out, small and squeaky. He smirked and reached for the cigar.

Placing it in his mouth, he motioned for me again. As I leaned in again, he caught my eye, and this time, his chocolate brown eyes were almost onyx in their half-lidded state. I know my heart had to have been audible.

Just before I reached him, he did something completely unexpected. He reached his hand in between us, as if to catch something. Confusion splayed on my features again, my eyes dropped to his hand, but my head remained still. Something fell out of the corner of my vision, and my eyes widened.

The cigar was in his hand.

I shifted my eyes up at him again, and as soon as I did, his mouth was on mine. Soft, yet unabashed in the way they were setting my own lips on fire. My hands reached his chest and I fully intended to push him away then. I definitely intended to. Really, but oh, he was kissing me. My hands, against my will, snaked up and around his neck, and played with the small ponytail at the base of his neck.

I needed this. I deserved this. And oh, I wanted this. He nipped my bottom lip, and I gasped, allowing him to lightly slip his tongue in. I took the signal, and initiated a war. We stayed like that, for god knows how long. He had eventually pulled me onto his crossed legs, my own legs wrapped around his hips. My arms around his neck. His hands had a mind of their own, as one traced circles on my lower back, and the other massaged the base of my neck, both wrapped protectively around me.

We broke apart then, needing air, and he met my shocked gaze. His eyes held a question there, and I wasn't prepared to let my guard down to answer it. Just because I had participated in this... this... wonderful affection. Just because I had catered to my need. He wanted me to be his. To be with him, more emotionally than anything.

I broke our eye contact, and looked down, ashamed. "I... can't."

His hand stopped tracing lazy circles, and his other hand stiffened at my neck. Gingerly, he placed both hands at my hips as though they were on fire, and moved me back onto the floor.

"I understand."

I glanced at his rising form. "I'm glad one of us does," I muttered, disappointed that I couldn't be his. I couldn't allow myself to open that much.

"I'm glad you can't tell when I'm lying," he said, walking to the door. He glanced back at me, shook his head, and walked out, shutting it harder than he had expected.

My eyes clenched shut as the door closed, and for once, I allowed myself to cry openly. For my past and present, and for not allowing myself to feel love, for fear that I would get hurt. Everything I touched was rotten and broken and worthless. I couldn't do that to him, too.

And I cried. For him and myself. Not knowing who I was anymore. And as I cried, I began angry. That night, I hardened my resolve and resumed my tough-as-nails demeanor with renewed vigor. I could be immune to this. To him.

* * *

_YAY! new chapter. I'm kinda proud of this one. I hope you weren't expecting lemon. So, to clarify, Rei is still a virgin. I feel that it's important to have her maintain her innocence in one aspect because to her, losing it is a sign of weakness. She feels that much stronger if she can deny herself what she really wants. _

_BTW- inner battle in Yuuchirou's head is that of, "Age? Should I? Yeah!"_

_Hope you enjoy, especially you MiMi! Leave me love!_


	6. Save Yourself

* * *

"I know your life is empty  
And you hate to face this world alone  
So you're searching for an angel  
Someone who can make you whole  
I can not save you  
I can't even save myself  
So just save yourself  
I know that you've been damaged  
Your soul has suffered such abuse  
But I am not your savior  
I am just as fucked as you  
I can not save you  
I can't even save myself  
So just save yourself  
Please don't take pity on me  
My life has been a nightmare  
My soul is fractured to the bone  
And if I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone  
I think I'd rather be alone  
You can not save me  
You can't even save yourself  
I can not save you  
I can't even save myself  
Save yourself  
So just save yourself"

* * *

Morning rose, and I was awake before my alarm clock. I smelled the breakfast that grandfather was making. Rising, I opened my door, looking back ruefully at the spot where Yuuchirou had sat last night. Where we had sat together in our moment.

'Fleeting moment...' I thought to myself, to convince myself that he was just someone to hang out with. Nothing more. Nothing serious.

This was serious, however.

I made my way to the bathroom, and did my business. Looking in the mirror, I saw that my eyes were still puffy, and slightly bloodshot from crying. I deluded myself into believing it was from the alcohol. I knew better than to believe myself, however, and some part of my heart pained.

Wash my face, brush my teeth, greet the world. All the beautiful, fucked up parts of it.

Walking into the small dining area attached to the kitchen, I saw granddad and Yuuchirou at the table, discussing the plans for the day. Saturday. Our temple couldn't fund itself, so when we weren't offering prayer services, we were running makeshift tea ceremonies and giving clairvoyant advice to those who had lost their way.

"G'morning," I greeted, kissing grandfather on the cheek and pointedly not making eye contact with Yuuchirou. His face, I could see out of the corner of my eye, has gaunt and tired. He hadn't slept well, if at all.

"Ah, Rei-chan! Ready for the day?" I smiled lightly and nodded to my granddad. He proceeded to tell me what we had to do today, and I was dismayed and excited that I would be working one on one with Yuuchirou. My heart, the traitor.

"So, we've got a group of 8 coming at noon for a ceremony. At two, we have the halfway house down the street. The usual questions about their future." I rolled my eyes. Did we look like psychics for hire? Whatever. They were cool, always nice, and very respectful when entering a sacred place. "After four, you'll have the rest of the day to yourselves. If you would take Yuuchirou with you to the store this evening, so he can become accustomed to what to buy."

"Groceries? Psh, I can buy groceries." I smirked at Yuuchirou. Meeting his gaze for the first time, I saw his mouth open at the arrogant look in my eyes. It was an act, he knew that, but he still wasn't prepared for it.

"Yuuchirou-san, it's not that type of store. We need to get herbs and the like." He nodded and blushed a bit. "S'ok," I began again, mad at myself for caring that he was embarassed. "You didn't know."

He nodded and eyed me skeptically. "So," he turned his attention to my grandfather, "What will I be doing today?"

Grandfather smiled in a toothy way. He had something up his sleeve, and I had an inkling it was regarding me. "You will be assisting Rei-chan with the fire." He was my apprentice, in other words. Which meant, he would be working closely with me. Which now made me wonder what granddad was planning. Sly old perv.

I nodded at this, accepting my fate, and looked directly at him, trying to keep emotion out of my eyes. "Yuuchirou-san, if you would like to walk with me around the grounds after breakfast, you could help me with morning duties, and I can explain what your role will be."

His eyes widened and he nodded, smiling a little. Damnit, not the reaction I wanted. Still, I would set him straight. I could not allow myself to be weakened by this man.

We finished breakfast fairly quickly, grandfather telling us about the meeting last night, and precautions we needed to take to protect our temple. I washed the plates for everyone, and went to change into my robes.

Yuuchirou followed after me, on my way to my room. "Rei..."

"-San," I corrected. His head fell and he gazed at the ground. "Yuuchirou-san, it's just for when other people are here. You can call me whatever you want when it's just us." He raised his head a little and eyed me beneath his brows. "I mean, uhm, when it's you, me, and grandfather," I stuttered.

Blushing, I turned to the closet in my room and grabbed my robes. He just stood there. "Yuuchirou-s-"

"Just Yuuchirou, or Yuu-chan," he said, confidently. I blushed again.

"Yuuchirou," I began again. "I do need to get changed, you know."

He grinned and stepped closer. "Who's stopping you?"

My mouth opened and closed, my eyes wide. I blushed and shook my head furiously. Gaining a bit more resolve, I looked up at him. "You are." Turning him around physically, I shoved him out of my room and locked the door.

"Rei?" I heard from the other side. What happened to professionalism? "Do I have to wear a robe?" I dropped my head in exasperation.

"Front hall closet!"

"Thanks..." And I heard his footsteps walking away. He knew what he was doing, he had to know what he was doing, why else would he be doing it, and WHY and I giving it so much thought?

* * *

After fixing my robes, I pinned my hair back and made my way to the side of my bed. Retrieving my kit, I reached inside for the small pieces of blotting paper. A picture of a red dragon adorned some of them, and Pikachu on the others. These belied their 'brand' if you could say they had one.

I took two of each, and placed them in a small baggie, one for each type of them, so they wouldn't taint eachother.

Looking into the future required a little imagination.

I stepped out into the sunshine and waited on the back porch for Yuuchirou. The door behind me opened and closed and I turned to greet him. "Dragon or Pikachu?" I asked.

His eyes met mine in confusion. I held up the two baggies secretively. Comprehension washed over his entire face.

"Pikachu?"

I smirked. He had no idea what he was in for. I informed him that these worked fast, and we should wait until one or so to partake. He nodded.

We walked around the grounds, raking leaves and throwing birdseed. I explained what he would be doing during the ceremony for the halfway house, and he nodded. He was good about it though, which surprised me. He asked all the right questions, and cared about what certain herbs and oils I would be using were actually for. I answered them all with ease.

The subject changed from there, to something I had been pushing away. "Rei-chan..." he began. I continued walking, ahead of him now. "Rei," he said, and I stopped to look at him. He began to walk toward me and I turned my back on him to continue walking.

He reached out, and grabbed my hand. "What happened?" he asked, as though I were ready to talk about this. Scratch that, I don't think he really cared if I was ready.

I snatched my hand back and looked at him darkly. "I don't want to talk about it."

He walked alongside me, keeping quiet, assembling his thoughts. "Well," he said after about five minutes, "I do." He grabbed my hand again and forced me to stop walking. "What happened?"

"Listen, Yuuchirou," I blushed in anger at forgetting the suffix, and realized I didn't forget it at all, I just didn't want to use it. "Listen, I had fun last night. You're a great guy, fun to hang around, and any girl would be lucky to be with you, but I just can't be that girl." I was babbling now, about feelings, and how we were too different, and how my past defined my future.

His brow knotted together and he chuckled. "Not that, Rei. I know all that. I wondered what happened to make you so afraid of human contact and emotion."

I turned then, angry that he called me out, and that he knew me so well. I tried to walk away, but he still had my hand. He jerked me back, not roughly, but hard enough, and my free hand hit his chest in an attempt to stop my momentum from crashing us together painfully.

We were too close now.

My heart pounded and I looked up as far as his chin. "Please don't," I begged him quietly. "Don't ask me to be this person I can't be. I can't do it."

He brushed my hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear. "You can't love? You can't feel? You have to be hard and unyielding to anyone who cares? You put up this front, Rei." He held my waist in one arm, and ran his fingers through my hair with his free hand, absently, while trying to meet my eyes.

He sighed and continued on, seeing that I wouldn't make eye contact. "You think that you have to be so strong on the outside because people won't like you as you are. I like you as you are. That should say something."

It did. It said alot. None of which I wanted to hear right now. I broke his contact, pulling his arm from around my waist and stepping back. I did look him in the eyes then. I saw everything. Admiration, attraction, fear, anger. He was putting himself out there.

"Yuuchirou, we... we have to talk about this later." I couldn't bring myself to say what I truly wanted to say. Too afraid that he would leave me. That he would be like everyone else I loved. A part of me hoped that he would be like my grandfather, an anchor, keeping me tethered so as not to float away into oblivion. Something I could count on.

But I couldn't put my faith in this man. I barely knew him.

He nodded, accepting for now that I was not ready to talk. I turned and began to walk back to the temple compound, and he caught up with me, walking beside me.

* * *

Our day passed quickly. The kids from the halfway house were rambunctious but respectful, as always. I saw myself in a girl, no older than I, who guarded herself. She'd sneak off to smoke a cigarette, and thought that no one noticed.

The fire, in my hallucinatory daze, had shown that she would meet someone wonderful in the future, and battle with him and he own emotions. She would fight, and lose, succumbing to her most basic of needs. To be loved. To be accepted.

She blushed, and rolled her eyes. I smiled at her, understanding how she felt. All the time, I felt Yuuchirou's eyes on me. Smiling at me. Thinking he understood how I felt.

He had no idea.

Seeing the kids off, I went back into the house and to my room. I picked out my clothing, jeans and a tank top, and shut my door. Having changed quickly, I picked up my purse, some yen, and my sandals.

"Rei-chan? Are you ready?" I heard from outside my door. Heart thumping, I had been trying to avoid him.

I was still feeling the affects of the papers I had placed on my tongue three hours earlier. His knocks sounded like drumbeats, playing in syncopation with the beating of my heart.

I opened my door, and slipped past him, into the kitchen to drink some orange juice. He followed closely, his own trip affecting him. He treated me like I was a goddess.

We made our way to the front door, where I kissed my grandfather on the cheek and asked if there was anything specific he needed.

"A half ounce of cape aloe and angelica root, both powdered. An ounce of whole calendula, an ounce of powdered kavakava, and a half ounce of uva ursi. As for oils..." he went on and on, as I wrote everything down.

I eyed him suspiciously as we left, and he just smiled away. Oh yes, he wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary with these herbs and oils. They were only used in love-based ceremonies. Nothing more than that.

I modified the list as we left. Yuuchirou looked at me curiously. "You know, Rei, your grandfather asked for those specifically." I eyed him and laughed out loud.

"Yuuchirou, you don't understand. Some of these aren't necessary for divination. Some of these are to bring two people together." I blushed and looked away to the treetops lining the stairs to the street. They were alive, bright, vivid in my psychotropic state.

"Maybe you should let him," he said under his breath, not intending for me to hear. I stayed silent, pretending I was too in awe of my surroundings to notice.

His hand weaved around the base of my spine and wrapped around my hip. I left it there for the time being. He squeezed my side and looked at me, and I looked back blankly. He sighed and removed his hand, opting instead to place it in my own small one. I left it there again, and walked by his side. If he wanted to hold my hand, fine, but he shouldn't expect anything else. We most certainly weren't anything more than friends.

We came closer to the herbal shop, and I moved ahead of him, breaking his grip on my hand. We entered, and I showed him where everything was. As we stood, choosing the herbs, he was behind me, playing with my hair. I had left it down, and he now saw its length. He ran his hands through the bottom half of it, and I subconsciously leaned back on him.

'Damnit!' I thought, how dare he affect me this way. He leaned down, his breath on my ear, and a shudder passed through me at his closeness. "You look like an angel, sometimes, when you don't think anyone's looking. When you're off in space."

I snorted lightly and moved away from him, to talk to the clerk. "I'm no angel," I threw back at him, spitting it out vehemently, more upset that I had given in to myself.

He shook his head and walked behind me, allowing me space. 'How is he so patient?' I wondered to myself. 'He's taking this abuse, taking everything I give him, and not fighting me.'

We paid, and I walked out of the store. I was about halfway down the block, when I noticed he was not behind me. I turned and waited. Within minutes, he emerged from the store, and waved to the clerk. He jogged to me, and I looked at him, question evident.

He shook his head, denying me an answer, and walked past me. Damnit! I caught up with him and we walked side by side in silence.

"You know, Rei," he began, breaking the silence, but not easing the tension, "Not everyone is going to hurt you." I scoffed at him and glared.

"That may be, but I'd rather not test my luck." With that, I walked past him and toward the shrine. I was not in the mood to deal with this. Tonight, I decided, I was going out.

'This man will not affect me,' I told myself as I walked in the door. I set the bag down in front of my grandfather, and walked to my room without saying a word. I locked the door, turned on some music, and proceeded to change.

Tonight, I was not going to be myself, an insecure girl afraid of everything, including the man living in her house, who invaded her senses at every turn. Tonight, I was going to be someone else.

* * *

_H'ok. So yeah, kinda boring chapter. This is just a leadup. So MiMi, you're right. If this is a Rei/Yuu fic, I should totally put him in the character listing. This isn't going to be the normal Rei/Yuu fic. It truly IS going to go along with the album. Also, this is more about Rei's progression from being an addict who denies herself from feeling anything that's realy, to a woman who is one with her emotions and is unafraid to be who she is._

_So, one thing I sort of want to bring up... Yeah, this is not AU. Rei is Mars. Here's the thing. I'm not really a fan of how the anime and manga portray battles that basically make up their adolescence, and don't really offer any internal battles. I mean, this has GOT to take a toll on their respective psyches. So, I'm basically taking soem creative license and saying that the senshi are a bit bored and have some free time. _

_Also, it's always sort of bothered me that Rei and the girls chill alot, when honestly Catholic school is no great joy, and district schools are incredibly hard. About this time, all the girls would be studying for entrance exams, so really, they wouldn't see much of eachother unless they went to Cram together. Plus, let's face it. Miss Takeuchi definitely catered to the dumb blonde stereotypes for Usa and Mina, so they are highly unlikely to have wanted MORE HOMEWORK._

_Enjoy, the next chapter will be tense._


	7. Haunting Me

"Everywhere I go I see your face  
Every sound I hear is the sound of your voice  
Why are you haunting me  
Why can't I let you go  
Why are you haunting me?  
Everything about me is a lie  
At least it seems that way when I look in your eyes  
The truth scares the shit out of me  
Whoever said love is real and love is blood  
has never felt the way that I do  
What does it matter?  
What's done is done and I should get on with my life  
Why are you haunting me?  
Well, I don't know what it means  
But I can't seem to make myself forget  
Was it something that you said  
Was it all the guilt inside my head  
Why are you haunting me?"

* * *

Having showered and freshly changed, Rei stuffed her pockets for the night. Fake ID, allowing her to be 23 for the night, lip gloss, yen, cigarette case, and her lighter.

Granted, she was going to her usual haunt, a place appropraitely named Seijin, but she still felt she had to bring her ID. The bouncer outside would appreciate her attempt at respect, she was sure.

At the back door, she paused to slip her shoes on, and silently opened the door.

"Going somewhere?" A voice behind her asked. She spun and saw Yuuchirou leaned nonchalantly against the counter. He pinned her with a look that said, 'I know what you're doing,' and she smirked.

"Yeah, out." With that, she spun on her heel and walked out the door, shutting it as silently as she had opened it.

Halfway down the short steps, she heard the door open. "I'll come with, then."

She turned her head to give him a sidelong glance, "Do you have ID?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "What place are you going to that requires identification? Or... are you going to a club? And underage too? Rei, I'm shocked." His feigned indignance was just pissing her off.

"Join if you want, but I'm not waiting." She made her way down the path toward the street and paused to light a cigarette.

"Thought you weren't waiting?"

Jumping, she whirled around, only to come face to face with Yuuchirou's chest. She held up her cigarette and waved it a bit, as though to say, 'See, ass? I don't wait.'

He smirked, and grabbed it deftly, moving it between his two fingers. "One such as you is too young to smoke." Taking a drag, he blew it out above her head, only further defining her shortness and pissing her off more.

She grabbed it back and smiled in mock saccharine glory. "You're not twenty either, jerk-face." She turned, and began to walk toward the busy clubs of the district. His face had been worth her bitchiness.

He caught up to her again and grabbed her arm, not roughly, but definitely not gently. "Rei, seriously, you shouldn't go out. Why don't we-"

"What, Yuuchirou, rent a movie, pretend we're a couple? What do you want from me?" She squeaked, a little loudly, grabbing the attention of a gaggle of kids across the street. "The only thing WE are, is friends, and not even very good ones at that." Vehemence was alive in her voice, and she twisted her arm away from his loose grip.

Hurt and concern marked his face and he allowed her to walk ahead. She could hear his steps behind her as he shuffled his feet. 'Damn, I really hurt him.' She shook her head slightly, trying to clear the thoughts.

* * *

Arriving at Seijin, she smiled winningly at the bouncer and presented her ID. She had paid good money for it to look VERY convincing. He smirked at her and nodded for her to enter. A girl inside stamped her hand, marking her as a patron, and she moved along, allowing the heavy bass to carry her feet.

Making her way to the bar, she greeted the bartender and ordered a mild drink. She was only in the mood to dance, not to get drunk... for once.

Feeling a presence beside her, she flicked her eyes.

"Walker black," he said, and her eyebrows raised. He glanced at her and turned his head back to the bar.

"Yuuchirou, here I am, being good and sipping on my drink, and you're going to get loaded," she said in not-so-feigned concern.

"Yeah, well..." his sentence died on his lips as the bartender returned with a tumbler. "No ice, please. Thanks." He handed the bartender yen for the drink and turned to survey the floor.

Rei did the same, looking for a booth to sit at for a bit. Finding one, she pushed off the bar and weaved in and out of bodies. "You can stop following me," she said to her shadow, who seemed driven into pursuing her.

"I'm just looking out for you, Rei."

She sighed and looked toward the floor again. "Yuuchirou, I don't need your protection." He chuckled low. She glared at him and snubbed her nose.

"Rei, everyone needs someone to protect them once in a while."

She guffawed and sipped her drink before speaking again. "I'm not some little weakling you have to follow around, Yuuchirou."

He gaped at her and tilted her chin to look at him. "Rei, this has nothing to do with you being weak, this has everything to do with other people catching you off guard. If anything happened-" She roughly turned her head away and stood.

Tossing back the rest of her drink, she moved toward the floor. Sweaty bodies writhed in syncopation, and she began to move with them. Soon, she found her rhythm and her body pulsed along with the lights.

A body moved closer to her and she turned to see who was invading her space. A man, about Yuuchirou's height danced, his body lithe and muscular. She smiled and shook her head as a sign of 'thanks but no thanks'.

He smiled at her and nodded back, moving slowly away, to find another partner. It was nice that some people around here understood when to leave well enough alone. She was annoyed though, at herself for instantly comparing him to Yuuchirou. She was even angrier still that she could not get him off of her mind.

Feeling another body move toward her, she turned and met curious brown eyes. She moved to leave the floor and he grabbed her around the waist, pulling her close. Her mouth opened to protest him, but his head dipped low to her ear.

"I expect nothing. Just dance with me." She moved her head back and met his eyes uncertainly. She pantomimed for him to explain, and he dipped in again.

"I respect that you want to be alone, but not tonight. Just let me in tonight." She nodded in defeat against his shoulder.

Holding her gently around the waist with one arm, he moved with her, bodies close. She felt the heat radiating off of him, and closed her eyes. His breath tickled her neck, and she shuddered. His hand was doing wonderful things to her lower back, thereby affecting her internally.

They stepped off the floor before long to get drinks, and she motioned outside for a smoke. He nodded and motioned to ask if she wanted a drink.

Wrapping her hands around his neck, she pulled him close. "Amaretto sour, please," and moved to give him money. He waved her off and shooed her outside without another word.

The coolness of the night blasted her, and she wished she had worn something other than a simple wifebeater and capris. Emerging shortly, Yuuchirou handed her the drink and took a cigarette from his pocket.

He lit it and eyed her silently. "You cold?" She nodded, and lit her own cigarette. Leaning back against the railing, she raised her eyes to the sky. She had always loved the way ambient light made the stars disappear.

Feeling fabric on her bare arm, she glanced down. Yuuchirou held out his overshirt to her, and wiggled it. Shooting him a grateful look, she took it and slipped it around her shoulders.

They stood, side by side until her body heat had adjusted to the cold and they were both long done with their drinks. Rei moved to go back inside and Yuuchirou grabbed her hand.

"Rei-"

She pleaded with her eyes for him to just not say anything tonight. But didn't grab her hand away. Instead, she led him back inside, only stopping to tie his shirt around her waist.

Dropping their emptied glasses at the bar, they made their way back out to the floor, where she placed one arm around his neck, and he resumed his one armed grip on her small frame.

They moved as one for hours, sinuous and fluid. Occasionally, he would dip his head down and whisper in her ear, about other dancers, or how beautiful she looked.

He moved in again, and breathed in her ear, "Thank you."

She couldn't take it. Guilt was eating away at her for having treated him like she did, and she wanted nothing more than to allow him into her life.

On the other hand, if she let him in, she would only lose him in the end. He would leave her, finding her to be a burden, something he HAD to be around. Nothing that he really wanted. He'd find someone else, and run around behind her back. He wouldn't come home one night, and every night after that, and she would be left alone again.

Seeing her head bow, Yuuchirou raised her chin and met her eyes. Unshed tears pooled and he gasped. With his eyes, he asked her, 'Do you want to go?'

She nodded, and he led her off the floor and toward the exit.

Her mind was spiraling into a dangerous place, his hand on her lower back the only thing tethering her to this world, and she knew she would have to tell him everything. She would eventually have to either let him in, or shut him completely out.

He nodded to the bouncer, who nodded back, two men acknowledging one another as safe people. He wrapped his arm around her waist, allowing her to use him as a crutch, and they walked companionably back to the shrine.

She was at war with herself. She wanted him. She was sure now that she needed him. She pushed that need far into herself, but it bubbled back. He made her feel safe, peaceful even when she fought him. He made her question who she was. Whether she was a good person, whether she was selfish in her self-abuse, or whether she was hurting others when she hurt herself.

All of this, and she wanted him. He challenged her to look at herself, and decide if that's who she wanted to be. He was patient as she came to terms with her past. He was there when she said she wanted to be alone, knowing that she was lying through her teeth.

* * *

Up the back path, through the trees, she questioned everything she was.

She stopped abruptly, and took out a cigarette. He asked no questions. He waited while she composed herself.

"Yuuchirou, do you... want to..." She lost her voice, unable to go further, lest she give herself, her heart, away to a man she barely knew.

He nodded. "Just lemme change." She nodded, grateful that he was so understanding. It was high time she told him everything, and let him decide from there whether or not he was willing to get into an emotional relationship with a mess like her.

They entered the house, and instantly it felt empty to her. Looking around the kitchen, she noticed a note.

_"Rei-chan,_

_Out with friends._

_Don't wait up._

_Grandfather.'_

She had to smile. Everything about that man was simple, even his notes.

Grabbing it off the counter, she made her way to her room, and turned on the light. Grabbing pajamas, she closed the door and proceeded to change.

A knock sounded, and she opened it, slipping her shorts on in the process.

"Hang out here or in the living room?" Yuuchirou asked, leaning heavily on the doorframe.

"Whichever," she replied, feeling as indifferent as she sounded for once. Now that she had made up her mind to tell him everything about her mother and father, how she had been abandoned, she no longer cared about things like personal space. They just seemed so... trivial.

He moved past her and his arm grazed her abdomen as she stood aside. He resumed his place on her floor, and patted the spot next to him.

She smirked and shut the door. "So," she started, turning her cd player on, "Granddad is out with friends tonight. He usually does this once a month."

Yuuchirou interjected, "Gets together with his old buddies, a night on the town?"

She laughed, "Something like that. He's usually gone until Sunday evening, but that's if he leaves on Friday. They go to a hot springs for the weekend. I think we'll see him Monday morning." She moved back to the bed, and laid on it, so her head was near Yuuchirou, and her legs and feet were angled against the wall.

She motioned under the bed, and he pulled her kit out. He eyeballed her and shook his head. "I don't think so."

She pouted cutely and eventually won. He opted for them just to smoke, rather than do anything too hard, and she allowed it, understanding that she needed to have relative clarity of mind for this conversation.

Twenty minutes later, and he left the room, only to return with a bottle of liquor and two glasses. She lit a cigarette, and waited for him to pour her a drink.

"So," she said out of nowhere, initiating the conversation, "I think it's important to thank you first and foremost."

"Thank me?" He gazed at her quizzically, and she nearly melted as he put his hair up again.

She nodded and continued,"It's not often that someone is so patient, and willing to listen and support someone as hardheaded as me. Here's the thing, this is kind of a long story, and it is kinda sad. Now, I can't speak for anyone other than myself in this, so there are still probably going to be alot of things that need to be explained. Don't ask granddad, though. He gets very... excited about this subject. Unfortunately, no one who can give you an explanation is around."

He met her eyes, and his usual nonchalant attitude turned suddenly serious. "Rei, you don't-"

"I want to. You have a right to know." Taking another sip of her drink, she began her story.

Forty minutes later, Yuuchirou held her as she cried, for her dead mother, her bastard father, her rock of a grandfather, and the mess that she had made of her life.

Another twenty minutes later, and she initiated a kiss with Yuuchirou. After she had finished her story, she had been pulled off the bed and cuddled to his chest. Now she sat on his lap, much like this situation before.

He moved his head back to look at her again, and she pressed in for another kiss, afraid to let him go. Afraid he'd leave her.

The same reasons were her motivations for fingering the hem of his shirt, working it up, and over his head. For taking her own shirt off, and throwing it behind her. And when he moved to look at her again, she tried to press in again, to kiss him further, to silence him, she was shocked that he turned the would-be kiss into a crushing hug.

"Rei, we can't." Her heart broke then, not understanding him. Moving away from him, she deftly crawled onto her bed.

"I thought this was what you wanted, Yuuchirou. I-" He shifted around to look her straight in the eye, and she was surprised. His eyes were serious, hurt, and angry.

"If you thought this was what I wanted, you are sadly mistaken. I only wanted you." He rose to leave and she grabbed his hand. His head snapped back toward her, and she snatched her hand back, as though burned.

"But you have me," she said, small and childlike.

"Not the part of you I want. If I wanted your body, I would have groped you in the club." With that, he turned and walked out of the room.

For the second time in as many nights, Rei found herself crying alone in her room. This time, there was no armor to build up around herself. She had dropped the pretenses, and shown him who she was, and he had left her.

* * *

_Yay! Another chapter. I now have adapted a 2,000 word minimum, lol. Anyway, tension. Rei still isn't understanding that she has a chance at happiness. Yay Yuuchirou for telling her no with her penchant for drug use and self-abuse. He does care, really he does. Enjoy! _

_Oh! BTW - legal age for drinking, smoking, and voting in Japan is 20, which is why both Rei and Yuuchirou need fakes. Aaaaaaannnnnnd, did you know that TECHNICALLY, the legal age of consent is 13, but most prefectures adapt 17 as the legal age._

_Another thing, Seijin is part of the title for the traditional Coming-Of-Age Day in Japan, that happens on a Monday in January. Basically, when young'uns turn 20 during the school year, there is a coming of age day, where they are celebrated. Generally, everyone gets decked out in their kimono and such, listen to speakers for most of the day, then go out and party. Fun facts._


End file.
